The Click

You all know what I'm talking about. For months you say "On Monday, I will start..." or "This is my last big splurge before I do better..." or any other one of the numerous excuses we say when we WANT to be committed, but we AREN'T.

I've been doing this for months... and it sucks. And in your heart of hearts you KNOW you aren't ready, but you also KNOW that somethings has to change.

The truth is, it doesn't matter how ready you are, if you don't experience the "Click" nothing is ever going to change. And what does it take for that "Click" to happen? It could be anything, and most likely something you won't expect. It could be something that has happened a hundred times before, but this ONE time, you get it. It can be a picture, a pant size, a glimpse in the mirror. And finally you think, "It's time. I'm doing this. I deserve better."

And you do! You DO DESERVE BETTER! Why are you sabotaging yourself? Why do you care so much more about everyone else than you do about YOU? I preach to my loved ones all the time that they MUST take care of themselves if they want to be around to take care of everyone else. And I believe that. But I never followed it. After all, who do I have to take care of? I can't have children, most of my nieces and nephews are a state away and the ones that are close have a half dozen other aunts and uncles that adore them. They don't NEED me. So why am I going to put in all this effort, miss out on pizza and Costa Vida and milkshakes, when it won't matter to them in the long run anyways.

Because this isn't about them. THIS IS ABOUT YOU! If your best friend made decisions every day that left them feeling depressed, unloved, unworthy. If every time your best friend looked in the mirror they saw ugly. What would you tell them? First you'd tell them they were beautiful, wouldn't you? You'd say that they are loved more than they know, and that they ARE needed. And then you'd tell them to grow up, to WOMAN UP. To stop playing the victim and become the victor. And if they knew you were right but weren't ready to hear it, they'd be upset with you, wondering how you could talk to them like that. But if they were ready, they look at you and say "I know."

But none of this can happen until the "Click". And for some of us, there are LOTS of things standing in the way. These 'things' are not excuses, they are valid and life altering things that you did not choose. They are chronic illness, chronic pain, an accident, an anxiety. Whatever it is that's holding you back, accept it. Take a moment and give it the moment of silence that it certainly deserves. Realize that nothing will change it. But there are ways AROUND it. And that's what you have to focus on. Stop standing so close and looking directly at the road block, STEP BACK and look at all the dirt paths that go around it. I know this because I live it, every day. I also know that I've read blog posts like this before, the ones written by the people dealing every day with the same things I am, but instead of hearing them I think "They must not be in as much pain as I am..." or "Their heart hasn't been completely shattered like mine has.." You know what? That's all bull. Our hardships are however hard we decide to let them be. LIFE IS ABOUT MORE.

I am not a perfect example of how to overcome hardships. And I will never say "If I can do it, so can you" because I am not going to say that my hardships are worse or more life inhibiting than anyone elses. But mine are real to me, and every day I wake up and I have a choice. Am I going to let these diseases that have wrecked my body decide the rest of my life? Are YOU? Yes, they have taken things from me that I will never get back. But I can still live. I can still walk to the next door neighbors, and then the next day to their neighbors and then to their neighbors and pretty soon, I'm walking around the block and then maybe, just maybe, someday I'll be back where my heart lies.. on the back of my horse, enjoying him in all his amazingness, without feeling guilty every single step of the way.

I am only on Day 4. But on the days that I am over it, when I'm tired of drinking 8 oz of protein powder and frozen fruit and not eating that delicious Cinnabon or that amazing cheesy pasta. On the days that I'm going to put the taste of delicious food ahead of my health, I'm going to read this and remember the resolve I had on this day. And I'm going to remember that at one time, I was strong and at one time, I believed I could do this. And then I'm going to commit again.